Like a mobile Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit. If you're trying to replicate the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man you're doing a swell job.
59. Pink Men (Scissors Confront Manhood)
I like pink. Pink likes me. But nobody likes to listen to Pink. Even Pink hates Pink but loves pink. Pink's pink is barely pink even when decorated in pink. I don't know anymore.
58. Crowd Surfing
Stay the fuck off us. I'm not here to be your enjoyment.
57. Fast Food (Rapes America) Part II
Must lose weight before this fast food poetry series makes me a fool. Yet again, a sexual poem about fast food served up with extra pickles (1) in only the way Things That Will Burn In Hell can.
56. Bumper Stickers Part II
Back again for more hot bumper sticker talk. Not sure why I didn't just make this all one chapter in the book but that's 2006 Phoenix for you. I can't explain that guy. I still hate bumper stickers though. Some things never change.
55. Nonsense Bumper Stickers
Part 1 of 2 on those sticky bastards made to advertise your shitty beliefs on your car bumper. This is the exact place to post your opinions to gain respect. Just makes sense.
54. The NFL
Ten simple rules for fixing this sport. "But it's perfect the way it is." Just use your imagination and you'll see you're wrong.
53. 'God Damn' The Offended
This episode started off as a rant about not being able to say the phrase 'god dammit' but ended up being a rageful rant about my goddamn phone and its nonstop goddamn ringing and beeping while I was trying to record. What you are about to watch is real. The people in it are real. The names have not been changed to protect the goddamn innocent.
52. Small Talk
Can we just stop doing this? Just say nothing instead. It's better than the weather or your stupid fucking kids that nobody likes.
51. High-Fives
We already covered limp handshakes so now let's discuss the eleveated aerial vertical near-handshakes. AKA high-fives. Also I talk about Pauly Shore but it's all in good fun. It's because I hate fun.
50. The M. Night Catalogue
I feel like M. Night's career is one big performance like Andy Kauffman. Only nobody is laughing. Except his bank account. Either way, fuck all but 2 of his movies.
49. 'Manly' Drinkers
Dad hit/yelled/touched me so now I have to speed drink at bars while yelling at others for not misery drinking like I do. Thank you to all the shitty fathers out there for creating these people.
48. 1980-1989
Ten years of suck. Stop pretending it wasn't.
47. Isn't It Mislabeled Ironic?
Yet another round of shitting on this song. If you purchase ten thousand spoons then irony is the least of your worries.
46. Cupid (The Romantic Ninja)
Lonely? You're the perfect victim for the saint of archery/murder. He will fucking shoot you with a razor sharp arrow in the goddamn heart so hard that you will be forced into loving another person. Because it just makes sense.
45. Nextel Phones...
Introducing the new luxury automobile from Nextel: The 2018 Nextel Shitty. Watch the episode to understand that one. Or not. The image explains it all, really. Nextel 2 Way phones were a great and convenient way to communicate with a real live demon.
44. The Messengers (2007) (The Death Of Horror)
Remember that shitty Kristen Stewart movie that was vaguely supernatural? Not narrowing it down enough? This one was driven by crows. The crows showed up with the plot and a family straight out of Full House had to deal with ghosts or some shit like that. Either way let's sit down and talk about our feelings about this movie.
43. Paper Cone Cups
Whoever invented the paper cone cup probaby never used one. It's a quick way to ruin not only paper but also water, your shoes and the dryness of the floor all at the same time.
42. Limp Handshakes
Wet noodle handshakes are a quick way to figure out if someone is a puss. Ladies, this applies to you as well. Just shake the goddamn hand and stop acting like a princess. Fellas, this applies to you as well.
41. The Midwest
To be honest the midwest is a fine place to live. Phoenix needed to escape it though after growing up in Michigan. If you want your 2 year old car to have severe rust spots then this is your place. A place where the weather hates you and you wonder why you even bother staying alive 5 months out of the year.